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Coachella: How To Sneak In

How to Sneak An Ostrich Into Coachella 2007


February 06, 2007
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Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
On the Coachella message board, a user with the screen name of "Fober" recently inquired about sneaking in Wombat, his pet ostrich. Apparently, Wombat is a big fan of Austin, Texas post-rock darlings "Explosions In The Sky" (performing on Sunday). I'd guess that Wombat is probably also a fan of Chicago violin master Andrew Bird (performing on Saturday).

Coachella's rules clearly state that pets are not allowed. (see http://www.coachella.com/event/rules-faq ) However, some rules were made to be broken, especially when we're talking about a 230 lb. flightless bird with excellent taste in music.

So here are a few suggestions for sneaking your pet ostrich into the 2007 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival.

Things You'll Need

  • Ostrich
  • Disguises (blind person, animal trainer, cop)
  • Strategy
  • Ability to stay cool under pressure
  • Ostrich-riding ability

Instructions

  • STEP 1: TELL THE GUARDS IT'S BJORK. This obvious solution was first offered by "daniel" on the fan forum, and is the idea with the best chance of success, considering Bjork's daring and highly unpredictable fashion sense. I mean, hey, if she'll wear a swan at the Oscars, why wouldn't she wear an ostrich at Coachella?
  • STEP 2: TELL THEM THE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY REQUESTED AN OSTRICH. Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis and crew are at the forefront of the new-school, "alternative comedy" movement. Zach Galifianakis in particular has been known to hire street musicians to perform on-stage during his comedy sets, so for anyone familiar with his unpredictable style, it wouldn't be much of a stretch to believe that he requested an ostrich for his set
  • STEP 3: TELL THEM IT'S A SERVICE OSTRICH. Explain to the security guards that you're blind and this is your seeing-eye ostrich. If security guards balk at that, accuse them of being prejudiced against the blind and/or ostriches. If that still doesn't work, try going around to the staff entrance and tell the guards there that the Indio Police Department made a special request for Wombat the drug-sniffing ostrich, known for his unique ability to find drugs stashed in holes in the ground. Give a demonstration.
  • STEP 4: YO, BUM RUSH THE SHOW. If all the above methods fail, simply hop on your ostrich and crash the gates. Who in their right mind would stand in the way of an 200 lb. bird charging at them at 40 miles per hour? Once inside the festival, head over to some of the freaky art exhibits and try to blend in. After dark, slip into the mosh pit at Rage Against The Machine's set and let your ostrich show the ragers who's boss.